Is there anybody .. out there? - a breather

I set this blog up to return to writing, to do a little blatherin', get me some o dem idears flowing through the old gray matter. Grey matter? I am choc full of glimmers of snatches of itsy bitsy pieces of concepts. Rattling around in my brainbox. Internal Chaos ensues as real life keeps distracting me from this whimsical endevour. "Don't look off into space while you are driving or you will surely die," I tell myself. Or is some other driver yelling that at me? Details. I flipped them off in return. Yea you're number one! You! YOU'RE NUMBER ONE.

I've got about 5 story ideas at the moment, each one begging for me to start and then abandon it. But this time I pulled a fast one and snuck in a short story or two at the same time.

Why did I quote a Pink Floyd song?  It sounded cool in my head. Does every post need a title? Bah.

Will I put real content here or prototypes of real stuff and do as my friend suggests.. submit finished ideas to publications!

Maybe paper my wall with rejection letters. Actually that sounds fun. My kitchen wallpaper could be purely composed of rejections letters and in the kitchen is also where I keep a bottle of whiskey called 'Writers Tears.'

And now if you don't mind, a little song.

Writer's Tears - by J. Francis (check out  my schmancy nombre due plummage')
-----------------------
Sittin' in my kitchen
doin the writing thing
my brain's doin' some bitchin'
and lethagy is king
as my willpower falls
rejection letters on the walls
bring home my worse fears
at least I have my, Writers Tears.

Writers Tears!
so bitter and so strong
Writers Tears!
a few shots and I'm long gone

The story should tell itself
but instead short circuits on the shelf
a few pages in ran and out of steam
the rest vanishes like a disturbed dream
the aftertaste lingers on
but the content is long gone
and I've switched down to beers
but here's no forgetting my, Writers Tears.



As a bombastic friend would say if this was an Instagram post, thank you, dear gentle reader and true believer, for being there in the ether for me, my invisible probably non-existent but potentially massive huge awesome army of literary soldiers who would .. whatever people do for writers that they like. Buy me a drink? Sounds good.

I hope to have a short story here some point soon. Not for you.. I mean what have you done for me lately? Why is it always about you you you? For me.  Unless I am the only reader. From me, to me, for me. I better step outside to get a breathe of fresh air before all this hot air puts me to sleep.

Hey but I had fun writing this. I'll chalk this one up as a win.

3 Guys off the Wagon

<fade up on room with some phone operators in it in blue shirts, sign on wall says '3 guys off the wagon moving'. phone rings, an operator answers it>

3GOTW Operator: Hello sir, how may we help you at 3 Guys off the Wagon moving company?

Caller: Yes. Yes I have a complaint

3GOTW Operator: I'm very sorry to hear that sir. Hold please

Caller: I/ok

3GOTW Operator:  OK. Sir can you give us some more information?

Caller: yes, 3 of your guys showed up and/

3GOTW Operator: They showed up! That's great.

Caller: yes but they were stumbling around. They seemed disorientated. They dropped some things.

3GOTW Operator: sorry to hear that

Caller: they didnt listen. they slurred their words. They were.. well they didn't seem OK

3GOTW Operator: how so

Caller: well .. to be honest I smelt booze

3GOTW Operator: what kind of booze

Caller: excuse me?

3GOTW Operator: when i go off the wagon I like to go in deep, quick. I choose something hard like Gin!

Caller: I'm sorry? WHAT? You admit they were drunk

3GOTW Operator: Sir are you ready for the punchline? We all know the punchline

Caller: Are you trying to tell me that 3 Guys off the Wagon is a moving company full of drunk people who just fell off of efforts to stay sober?

3GOTW Operator: absolutely not

Caller: ok. good

3GOTW Operator: you just told youself! Look I gotta go work on the next skit will I see you there?

Caller: WTF! Yea fine. ok <hangs up>

<fade out. then fade back up on same room, the operators are changing shirts into red shirts, one of them puts sign on the wall over the other sign and it says "tea totallers."  phone rings, an operator answers it>

TT Operator: Hello, Tea Totallers headquarters.

Caller: Hello. I have a complaint to file!

TT Operator: I am so sorry. Sir what is the nature of your complaint

Caller: Well, I last week had my shipment of tea, after you guys did your thing and I turned it in, and today I got feedback. EVERY TOTAL WAS WRONG

TT Operator: very sorry to hear sir

Caller: Earl Gray: off by 1,087. Green: Off by over 3000. Lemon: waaay off! And there's more

TT Operator: well, very sorry. was this last week.. last Tueaday? St Patricks day? when you had us total?

Caller: yes actually

TT Operator: oh. well our tea totallers were all hammered I bet

Caller: what?!?! but. um, your company is called tea totallers.

TT Operator: we may be tea totallers but we arent tea totallers

Caller: that .. hey you know what, the first skit was better

TT Operator: beg your pardon?

Caller: the 3 guys off the wagon being off the wagon. it was better this one is kind of archaic.

TT Operator: this one has the added irony of. with the thing not being the same

Caller: yea but it's dumb. I'm going to call into another sketch comedy show. goodbye.

TT Operator: sir, in our defense neither joke is funny. sir? hello? sir?

another TT Operator: what's the joke to wrap this all up. the punchline

TT Operator: i dont think we have one.

another TT Operator: well then. let's just go home

<they all leave as the monty python music plays>

TT Operator <from offstage> that's not funny either, you can't just tie this in to Monty Python ..they were funny!

voice: shut up!

Workin the CORE!

Scene opens on a meeting room with the Boss, Bill, and Susan. Sam walks in and sits down



Boss: ok so.. where is.. oh there he is

Sam: Hello!

Boss: nice of you to show up for this meeting!

Sam: well it's on my calendar

Boss: where were you all morning? All week in the morning.

Bill: All week in the afternoon too!

Sam: it's my new core policy. workin the core!

Bill: what does cross training have to do with this

Sam: well, time at the gym is good for my quads. my lats. my glutes! the guns! it's not all about cardio my friend

Boss: what you've been at the gym for 30 hours a week????

Sam: not just the gym. shopping. drinking. house work. you know, bills. and the what not

Boss: you cant do that! you have a job to do

Sam: well.. at work.. the only time anyone schedules a meeting, it's in the 11am-1pm window

Susan: i know!

Sam: it wrecks my former lunch break. or if it's not a meeting its a phone call, right as I was mid bite into a delicious pastrami and swiss cheese classic

Susan: those are the worst moments

Sam: or, someone just stops at my desk right?  hey.. look at me.. I am so important that you dont need to eat!

Bill: true. it blows

Boss: we have to schedule when we can Sam

Sam: well.. I realized if thats the ONLY time of day that anyone notices me or wants me or communicates with me.. THOSE ARE MY WORKING HOURS. The core.

Boss: that's absurd

Sam: puttin in my 120m! oh yea

Susan: oh yea!

Sam: the double desk duece! the two-fer!

Bill: yes!

Sam: the back to back 60. stereo hours. yin and yang

Boss: Sam!

Sam: representing at the peak. the summit of the day.. planting my effort flag then.. going .. um..

-silence

Sam: Anyways I think I made my point

-later

Unemployment Office Clerk: so how did you get fired

Sam: I think I made my point.

S.I.G!

Jimmy moseyed down the aisle, it was day x of crises XXIVII ay yi yi and carumba what a fine development this was. Cries of despair in cubes to his right, angry curt insults barked politely and passive agressively into phones on his left and up ahead a view outside to the polar vortex!

The vortex, it was said, would freeze a man solid in less than 30 seconds. But would it freeze these people? A manager loped by, hunched over her phone, howling into it begging to get status updates. A tense pear shaped man just stood by the coffee machine down the hall shaking slightly and sipping menacingly.. if anyone could actually spit lava this guy could.

It was time for the Standard Issue Grin that Jimmy had been assigned back in his college days, back in Ralph Yingling's classroom after class, when he worked as an intern.

"Jimmy," Ralph had told him, sipping on a cup of Joe like a seasoned professional, when it hits the fan and when I say it I mean IT! Information Technology! I, T! I.T.!"

He paused to chuckled at his own joke as Jimmy checked his arm to make sure there was no watch on it.

"Jimmy, it's time.. for a Ralph Rule!"

A Ralph rule was a sketchy yet humorous technique that Ralph advised be used in a tough situation. Ralph stabbed his hand into the air 3 times for emphasis as he spoke his magic words.

"Standard! Issue! Grin!"

"Um?" said Jimmy, just full to the brim with.. admittedly no interest. He had beers waiting at home with his girlfriend! It was Friday!

"Standard Issue Grin, baby. When things go bad, and they will! Oh, how they will. You have but one thing to do that will only help you. Other things, well, you are on your own. But his one thing. You grin. You use a , well not a shit eating grin."

"Good, I suspect I wouldnt grin whilst eating shit."

"Right! So it's a standard issue grin. A run of the mill smile that lets people know that YOU are not losing your mind. Or, you have. But no one will get hurt! Standard Issue every day nothing to worry about grin. Now try one. OK now one that you might have when your balls are NOT in a vice. OK better but lose the stroke facial tick. Again."

And so Sargent Yingling ran him through the drills and by the end of the night he was issued his standard issue grin.

So today..  it was Jimmy's ONLY weapon and he used it as he moseyed down the hall, to the elevator, and then.. it was the weekend.

Thanks Ralph.